Too much? Too fast? Too late?

This probably is my first official rambling on this blog. Just had a chat with an Aussie friend over wall exchanges and suddenly had so much things through my head, that I just had to let it run.

Turning 28 soon makes me wonder have I really done what I set out to do in life? Or have I done too much? Or have I just tried to race with time and did it too fast, missing out all the joys in life? Or it's just simply too late to look back and regret, which is the very first thing I told myself not too when I left my job 15 months ago.

I told my friend that I wish that I was a simple man with no goals, no problems, no worries and completely detach myself from the world. Perhaps step outside the world and look at the whole picture. He replied, "You don't seem like a person with no goals."

Almost my whole life, I knew what I like, what I love to do, and who I want to be. That pretty much set me in my journey of trying to achieve exactly that. Today, I'm probably the man I set out to be, but looking back, have I left anything out?

The very first thing in my mind is probably my family. For those close to me knows that I do not really have a close relationship with my parents. My younger sis is my only support, so much so that my friends say that no brother and sister are that close. Whenever I hear friends mentioning of their family dinners, parents offering to drive them around, or Sunday family time, no doubt my jealousy and envy surfaces. Not that I never had a good relationship with my parents all the while, but as I grow older, the ties drifted. 

I took over the management of the family finance at the age of 24 when I should be enjoying life a little more as a freshman. Family arguments occasionally flare up, with my mum crying at times, and in worse case scenarios - me breaking down. Never really bothered to ask my parents to attend any of my events cause they probably won't even know what I do. Whenever I travel, regardless it being a week or a month, I only tell them a few days before I fly off, sometimes just the night before when they ask me where I'm going as they see me packing my backpack. Birthday celebration is never a tradition in this family cause sometimes it's forgotten, hence birthdays to me is just the day I slump into a lazy mode and stay home. And I'm very sure a specific group of my friends experienced it the hard way. As much as my heart is wrenching when I write this, but this is the only family I have, I have eventually learnt how to deal with everything. Don't ever teach me about family values cause I have experienced much more than most average people, and I'm just scratching the surface.

For my friends who never knew about the above, I often come across as a steady and confident person. That was never the case till I joined Scouts. I was in the gardening club in primary school and pretty much a science/ nature geek already then. If I was never convinced by my neighbour and senior to join Scouts, I'll never be who I am today. Hence if anyone wonders why I'm doing so much for Scouting and yet not getting paid, it is because I owe Scouting for it has been the foundation of my life.

Having said that, I am priviledged and honoured to have made so much friends through Scouting and many other youth activities. Some are mentors that I really appreciate in helping my growth and journey in life. Some are great peers who have been accompanying me throughout my journey and lifting me up when needed. The rest are great friends whom I'm very grateful for as they have always been there for me whenever I need help, and never failing me. My principle in friendship is simple - mutual respect. You reap what you sow.

I really feel honoured when my friends actually look up to me for inspiration and advice. It's perhaps a sign of trust and I vowed never to fail them. If you are sincere, I'm the type that will go all out to help you in whatever ways I can. I'm a perfectionist and it's both my strength and weakness. I expect things to be done right down to the details and don't like things not to go my way. However, that of course causes problem, I might be overpowering, and naggy. But once again with help from friends, I've learnt how to deal with it. 

But am I really that inspiring? Maybe it's just that I tend to think more and observe more? I'm more than glad to lend a listening ear and have a heart to heart chat. But I now realised... I'm always the giver thus far... have never really been on the receiving end for a long time. Who can I go for inspiration? Who can I go to to pour out my problems and emotions? Who can I go to if I want to just let it all out and break down? Can I even do that since now I'm the one looked upon to provide all those to others who need it? I'm kinda lost here...

When I left my job 15 months ago, I told myself that it's going to be a new chapter in my life. Indeed it is. Wouldn't have change it for the world for it's probably the best decision I've ever made in my life. And the biggest leap of faith. Never knew I had that much gut (or stupidity) to do it. I've accomplished probably more things in the last 15 months than my whole entire 26 years before, and it's things that I wanted to do. I'm like a kid in a candy store or amusement park, and can get everything I want. Well... most of the time. However, I came to realise was it once again too much and too fast? Did I really enjoy my life thus far? In fact, I'm more busy working free-lance than when I was holding on to a full-time job...

I always tell my juniors not to commit to too many things and manage time well. I lead by example, but then again, did I leave any time for anything else? Like surprises in life? Perhaps time and a chance to find my other half? Unfortunately, I'm an idiot who always look at the bigger picture and seldom look at the mirror to see what I can do for myself. Friends had to come and tell me, and only then I will realise...

I could go on with this post like forever, ranting out every single thing, but to what effect would it have other than just feeling a little better and knowing that the situation remains? Precisely why I wish I could go back to the old innocent days whereby I know nothing, yearns for nothing and hence have the priviledge to be ignorant and couldn't care less. As much as it's irresponsible, but can't I just be that person?

While life has to continue, but am I ready to make major decision in my life now? Major decisions that probably might shock many. This has been my life, my journey and my best companions in life, but am I ready to give them up and detach myself from the world? I'm seriously toying with the idea. I just need a real good break, and this time I think I might mean it, just a matter of when. 

Life is such.

PS: If there's any grammer or spelling mistake, it's because I'm lazy to check. Just can't bring myself to read through anymore...